comment-ary...

"Josh,
you are gay. Washington is the shit state."

ok, so lets just pause and take that all in for a moment.

yep, that's what it says, i'm gay, and washington is one crappy state. that was all that Milford Cubicle had to say, and apparently the best response he had for my previous entry. you can read it for yourself in the comment section of my page.
i apologize Milford, i seem to have upset you on some level or another. i can assure you, i am not gay, and to be honest, am wondering how you came across such a conclusion. sexual preference has never been a question in my mind.
as for washington, well, i can only vouch for the space that i occupy, and i'll give you that occasionally, it is in a pretty shitty state.
so thanks for your opinion, i'll leave it up there for everyone else to read and they can agree or disagree with you as they see fit.

and i also apologize to you milford, because i am going to have to use you as an example now.

i have just turned the other cheek. (although now i'm turning back around). milfords' comment upset me to say the least. and were it not for the fact that i am guilty of evil, and were i not aware of it, i would tear milford to shreds verbally. most of what is in me wants to do that. however, given that we have been set free in Christ, and cleansed of all that is unholy, i cannot.
thank you Milford, you have brought me a step closer to experiencing Christ in a real way.

before i was...

i had a conversation with a friend last night, one of those talks you only have only once or twice a year, the kind that stretch deep into the night, and have you reeling in the morning wondering, did that happen?
even though it goes against all good writing edicate, i'm not going to give you the details of our conversation, becuase those belong to he and i and the Lord right now, but i do want to try and give you some perspective on things we conservative Christians don't talk about enough.

spiritual warfare is something that, for whatever reason, seems to be left out of most of the christian circles i am in. we don't talk about it much, we don't get curious, we don't probe, we don't question, and we hardly ever consider the possibility that life can be made more difficult, or less difficult depending, by the ongoing battle between the Heavenly Light, and the Darkness.

when we see our lives for the first time in heaven, all put together, a perfect biography of jane smith and john doe, i think we will see the sin and destruction in our lives, the evil of our flesh. we will see how each choice, good and bad, had an effect on the choices we would make next. i don't think any of this will surprise us, because they were choices we made, each outcome effected by the choice before it.
but we will also see, i believe, the battle in the heavenly and earthly realm that most of us are unaware of. we will see how the demons and the angels fought over us, over our hearts, our minds, and ultimately our lives. we will weep when we realize for the first time that God truly had been in our lives intervening and protecting us. we will see that not only was he holding us in his arms to gently soothe us, he was fighting against that which wanted to destroy us.
the best picture i can think of now (but is minisclue in comparison) is a firefighter rushing out of a burning building, holding a small infant, an infant who is totally unaware of the danger it was just in.
that is the new perspective many of us will have when we reach Heaven. but as i am coming to realize, there is a minority who have that perspective now, and fight with all the courage and valour that God has given them. their story, i believe, will have considerably more meaning to them while they are on this earth than most other Christians, because they will have been chosen to peak over the shoulder of the firefighter, and see the battle that he was, and is still fighting.

stupid joy...

alright, so i'm pretty certain that i've had a relatively permanent bad mood the last few weeks. and i think, possibly, just maybe, the mean-streak has come to an end. not an indeffinate end, but more of a pause. i mean, there's tons of stupid people out there doing stupid things for me to get mad at...so i figure i'll come across one of them sooner or later, and they'll set me off again.
but until that time comes, i'll try and keep it a little more upbeat.

page break, pause...and...continue.

as i noticed my mood and attitude changing, i recalled the last time i was 'upset,' and how it took all the courage i could muster to ask God to let my anger go. you know what i mean, if you're mad at someone, and its justifiable, you wanna stay mad at them, just so they pay. heck, i like to stay mad even if it isn't justifiable. same scenario this week.
i woke up this morning and was like "ohhhhhh, all my anger is gone...now what am i gonna do?" or something like that.
anyway, joy was stupid this morning, and i wanted nothing to do with it, but alas, God answers prayers...even when asked in spite.

but just an fyi, i still agree with what i wrote last week. none of those things bug me any less than they did, i'm just less bitter about it today than i was then.
actually, i'd recommend, if you haven't already, reading some of the comments. Brock, who is a faithful buddy of mine, and the brother who got me onto this blog thing, offers some good words as to the church, or the bride of Christ. careful though, Brock has a potty mouth, and we all know where potty mouths go when they die...

actually, it all depends on whether the potty mouth knows Christ or not.

piece ... of cake

child of the wild

channel 9, public broadcasting, sesame street, mr. rogers, you remember it.
anyway, they've been airing for the past i don't know how long a show called 'living in the wild' or something like that, and i'm willing to bet that just about all of you have seen it. i know at least a few of you have 'cause we've watched it together.
the story follows a guy by the name of Dick something-or-other as he heads off into the Alaskan wilderness to build a cabin and live for the next 30 years. ring a bell?
we watch as he films himself building a cabin by hand with relatively primitve tools, all by himself, at the age of 51. this dude is the man. every time i've seen it i just can't get over how this guy actually did all that stuff himself, and how much of a wuss i am. i mean, sure i've gone backpacking overnight by myself. but i didn't stay any longer than the things i packed would last me. this guy (dick) goes off and grows his own pickin' plantation, and then lives off it!
as i said he shoots the footage himself, with a tripod mounted camera, and the result is the grainiest crapiest footage you've ever seen. but you can't even stop to care about it. this man represents quality by his own actions. he requires no special effects, no high end equipment, no make up artist, no promoting period, no 8x12's, nothing but two hands, and a will to live. and yet without any of those things, here we are, reading and writing about him as if he were ghandi.

anyway, you can draw the obvious conclusion that this was a man worthy of emulation. he's never spoken a word to me, yet i am more impressed with his actions than i ever was with any sermon preached, if we make make the jump here between preaching, and living.

Dick was a well rounded guy. my favorite quote in the show comes up while he is building hinges for the front door of his cabin, "too many men work on parts of things, i like to finish a job to completion." how crazy is that! its like he just called out and challenged every stinkin' male in the united states, and then called their bluff.
not a guy that has seen that show wasn't impressed. every one of them when i bring it up is "dude, he was awesome."

i guess the only reason i bring this up is because i'm about to go change the oil on my car. and for whatever reason, i feel manlier than the guys i see at the lube shops in town getting their oil changed by some girl (yes, girls. i know this becuase i had two good friends in high school, girls, who both would constantly come in with muffler burns from changing peoples oil. mainly guys oil)
anyway, changing oil is pretty far from living in the wilderness by yourself. but at the same time, living by yourself doesn't do much for you if you don't have Christ. you're just alone.

later.

ps. don't forget to change your oil every 3,000 miles.

who says i don't offer good advice?

venting...

i have to apologize, i'm bitter. rather angry in fact. its a terrible thing feeling helpless. crazy how God wants us that way.
come to think of it, i don't think i've written anything encouraging lately, so i apologize for that too.
here's my burden, currently: i'm scared about who i am becoming. not in the 'i want good looks, a porsche, and a giant house' kind of way, but more of the, 'critical, nothing is good enough, we're all gonna die' kind of way.

i have two main issues (the way i see it anyway), my father, and church.

my dad irritates the crap out of me, and so does the church.

strangely, i have a quiet feeling that both of these irritations are closely related (and not just because i'm the common link).

my dad bugs me, 'cause it seems the stuff we talk about is always so...practical. we never really talk about anything stupid or altogether funny, but then at the same time we never talk about anything important either (not in my mind anyway). houses, insurance, college, weather, houses, insurance, college, weather, houses, insurance, college, weather. and i'm not kidding either. for whatever reason, these are the topics my dad consistently talks about.

now, my part in this is i never really bring up anything relevant either. and by relevant i mean what Gods perspective is, what we've read, who we've talked to, and the things that are truly important in a Christian life.
"well come on josh, why don't you bring some of these things up then." good point, but generally i'm so irritated that i can hardly listen to my dad, let alone bring up another conversation.

ok. so all that is a little more personal than i'd care to stick out here on the www. but i figure most of you have an idea of what i'm talking about. i don't doubt that many of you house similar feelings in your own hearts about someone 'close' to you.

alright, the church. i've worked at Grace for what...roughly two years, and i've seriously considered completely leaving the modern church as we know it. at first i figured it was only Grace that irritated me, because, as a janitor, my working conditions aren't exactly similar to any of the pastors that work there. ie. i have a 15 minute window for a break. sometimes it seems that the pastors have a 15 minute window for work. (for the two of you reading this that work with me, yes, i'm a hypocrite). ok ok, thats not true, but its all a perspective thing. bear with me.

anyway, i realized it was not just my church that i was irritated with, it's the church. and i can say the church because i've visited a couple of other churches, and felt the same way. fake. the last church i went to i visited with a friend who attended there. she was convinced i'd feel better after being somewhere else. i was so mad i didn't even really try and hide my apathy. again, for those of you that are shocked at this, i apologize. but at the same time i have to ask, how can someone that has been so involved and been around so many good people feel so much anger toward a church?
am i a bad person? well...in the 'garden of eden' sense of the word, yes i am definitly evil, but by all 'christian' perspectives i would have the appearance of being good. and that is what pisses me off. all i need is to look good, and to apparently keep my mouth shut. each week i work i feel more and more like a stranger because i continue to push away from something that for so long i'd felt was right.
and for you, my dear friends, i must ask, if i truly am a follower of Christ, why then do i have such angst against His church. and honestly, i must ask the question, is it really HIS church? or is it just our attempt at making something we think 'will appease the gods?'


if you've got an opinion, i'd love to hear it. if you've got advice, i'd love to hear it. if you've got a bone with me now, well, i guess i'll hear it.

either way, let me know what you think.

wave on wave

i forgot how i felt to be honest, two years ago this month...to graduate i mean. i forgot all the hurt that came amidst all the craziness. i feel for you graduates actually, i truly hurt for you in some respects.
i've kept in touch with a friend who lives in Germany over the past couple years. she grew up there as a missionary kid, and just graduated this last month. she'll be going to college here in the states, and my guess is setting a new course, with a much different fear than you and i would probably feel. i read something she wrote today, writing in sort of a remorseful way, she told her friends how much she would miss them, and apologized for taking the time they had spent together for granted; and suddenly i too felt a wave of guilt and sadness wash over me as i thought about those close to me, and how much i take them for granted. my world, my priorities, my life, have consumed me. we set ourselves to achieving goals, not thinking that goals are worthless, and that we cannot achieve any more than has already been done.

i ask myself, when was the last time you truly loved?
not the romantic love, but the Christ-like love that, for a moment, fills all gaps, all holes, and all expectaions.
it will truly be a blessing when we reach heaven that we will not know guilt. because, if it were so, i cannot fathom the amount of remorse i would feel at having spent so much of my time so worthlessly.
as i think about the 'important' things i 'need' to do this week, it has nothing to do with my agenda. it would be meeting with my friend for breakfast this sunday morning, or perhaps smoking a pipe with my old roomate. not the job hunting, not the grocery shopping, not working out, not getting a hair cut or cleaning my room. damn i'm selfish.

bubbles...and how to pop them.

alright, anytime you have the same conversation with two different people, you know its worth writing about.
with that in mind, we'll explore (momentarily) the phenomenon known (only to me) as 'idon'tknowyousodon'tcomenearmybubble syndrom.' yes, around the world people are indeed in a heated battle against the epidemic, but alas, the syndrom still takes hundreds, maybe bajillions of lives a day, and, if left untreated, could render our world absolutely...boring.

my mom tripped over a door stop yesterday while going to pick my sister up from school. my grandma asked her what she did, and my mom said "i looked around to see if anybody saw me."

yes, we're all concerned with ruining the balance of life by looking stupid, saying something not quite normal, wearing something totally unkoshur, or just plain looking like an idiot. we spend all this time looking at ourselves in the mirror, getting perfect, and then head off into a world, hoping that nobody will bump into our bubble; ever get a little nervous when someone asks you for directions? or if you (like my mother) trip, do you first look around to see if anybody saw you, even before you see what damage you've done to yourself? do you avoid confrontation at all costs?
well get off it people, life's too boring to sit around trying not to bump into people, and too short not to be loud in libraries.

ok ok, i'm not saying go out and be an annoyance, just remember your relationships are what you'll remember when you look back at your life, not your curly hair, or your tight abs.

peace

too quiet, too loud, too quoud

alright, so in order to understand this next post, you'll have be familiar with the backpacking trip i took several weeks ago, the one i went on all by my manly self. and since i'm too lazy to recap, you can go back and read it if you haven't already.
Thad and i were sitting at coffee this morning (thad is the pastor of emerging generations here at Grace, and also one of my closest friends), and we were talking about everything from how i was late, to how college retreat was going to look, and wondering about the lady who walked in wearing full on horseback riding gear whos pants were way too tight and had what looked like a diaper on, to head phones and mp3 players. the latter will be the topic of choice for this afternoons discussion, even though diaper horse lady would be fun to talk about.

i commented to thad about how i had seen a news clip that said headphones were pretty bad for your ears, and that they apparently can do some serious damage if you wear them too much with your music too loud.
both thad and i wear headphones at work (don't tell the boss) in order to ease some of those aggravating hours out of our lives. and truly the music does help pass the time. there's nothing like listening to Linkin Park while scrubbing a toilet. its like you have your own theme music..."shut up when i'm talking to you...i'm about to break..." that sums up my thoughts on toilet scrubbing.

anyway, we were wondering what the effect of music was on our spiritual lives. yes it helps to pass the time, but it also distracts you from your own thoughts. thad did say that he was able to talk to God better while he was listening to music (sometimes), but i haven't had the same experience. unless you think it has something to do with me listening to Green Day, and thad Third Day, 'cause it doesn't. he had POD playing not too long ago, and i've never seen anybody worship to that.
so whats the backpaking trip got to do with it, right, i'm getting there. while i was hiking up to my campsite, you'll recall the two miles of danger (not really) i had while on the way up there; well, i wasn't listening to any music. in fact, the whole time i was out there, i didn't use my mp3 player at all. until the trip back that is.
and i might add, the trip back was marvelous; i listened to music the whole way, everything from Rage Against the Machine to Jars of Clay, the whole gammut, and i loved it!
i was far less apprehensive, and really enjoyed just looking around, walking, and listening to music.

so whats all this mean? i have no clue really. that's why i'm writing. i don't know whether i was meeting with God on the way back (you remember that i didn't feel Gods presence at all that weekend), or whether i was just going along with the music, kind of the background theme song for my little adventure.

now the deepest question i have is this: if i can go intentionally into the woods and to meet God, and not meet Him or feel any connection to Him until i play some music, does that mean i can do the same thing at church? do you do that at church?

take care.

hello mr.green thumb...

so...
i found out recently that i really enjoy gardening. not really vegetables and shrubs and that kind of stuff, but budding flowers and smaller trees. my yard is pretty big, and it has lots of room for things to grow, so i have spent several hours over the past few weeks outside in the yard tilling up the soil getting ready to plant all kinds of wonderful and beautiful things too great to mention (actually, i really have no clue as to what i'm going to plant).
but as i said, i like to garden, and it came to my mind that this isn't exactly seen as a very 'manly' hobby to have; but i rest in the justification that i can still climb rocks, hammer nails, pee standing up, and that sort of thing.

second realization; you can spend way to much time thinking about and planning for gardening, and much less time doing. there are butt-loads of books on gardening (i know this 'cause i went to the library to check some out), how-to videos, do it yourself planners, gardening for dummies, gardening for grandma's (yes really), et cetera, etc.
so it can only be presumed that one could spend their entire time reading books, watching shows, and looking at magazines to find out exactly how to garden. maybe they get so smart at gardening, the Home Depot hires them to work at their store as the garden expert, and their name gets called over the loud speaker anytime a customer has a gardening question. they're very good at gardening.
but how odd would it be, if say, we were to visit the home of this garden person, and notice that they didn't have a garden of their own. in fact, all they had was a huge concrete slab. not a speck of green, purple, red, aqua-faded-maroon, or any other color for that matter.
their entire house is one big rigid structure with no flowery disposition what-so-ever.
as we step through the door we continue to notice the blandness of this person. they had no flowers or anything like it in the house either. no roses in the vase, no flowery wallpaper in the bathroom, there weren't even any fruit or veggies in the refrigerator. it seemed that the moment this person left their job at Home Depot, the flower thing had no purpose in their life, it was just mindless work for them.

Alright Christians, lets draw a correlation here. lets pretend your church is the home depot, and you are the garden expert, does the rest of your life reflect the work that you are supposedly so in support of?

peace