hot as hell

yes, you read that correctly, all of you conservative Christians, I said a bad word. but frankly, its 89 degrees here in rainy Seattle, and I am quite certain that with a temperature that warm, hot as hell is an understatement.
now let me rattle your cage for a moment. lets talk about legalism. i am going to make a list of things you have to do, and if you really want to be good christians (lowercase 'c', notice that) then you'll do exactly as i say, and nothing less. otherwise, your life is nothing but a worthless mist. in fact, its a nasty mist. its like somebody farted, and it was misty. thats you.

1.read your Bible everyday for 7 minutes. you have to otherwise if you don't read enough words , your eyes will fall out or something.

2.pray. and make sure it sounds really good so that we don't get embarrassed if you say something vulnerable, or if your words aren't perfect. and be sure to make weird sounds while other people are praying like Mmmmhmmm, especially if you aren't really listening.

3.go to church and sit there. and don't swear or anything. church is a place for people that have their lives together, not those worthless sinners who don't smell quite like they should, or don't have nice clothes. we hate them.

4.if you're a guy, stop it. yes, stop being a guy. always be nice, never fight, be quiet, make sure to never do anything dangerous, and don't do anything that any real men might do.

5.if you're a girl, stop it. you need to be a beautiful woman with perfect skin, who has nothing wrong with her, who's hair never gets messy and always has a happy face.

6.ask people 'how are ya?' but don't actually stop and wait for a response, just keep walking and smiling.

7.be very bored. thats what God wants, and thats how church should be.

8.make sure to do at least one good thing, and then let everybody know you did it. but don't make it look like it was anything new to you, 'cause then we'd know you don't do those things very often.

9.make up stupid lists.

10.follow them.


i can't believe how much fun i had writing that. honestly, i'm laughing here. i mean, that must be the most aggravating thing i've ever read, and yet its so close to being true about churches today. i mean, really, some of those points, no matter how obscure, are firmly set in the church community, we just choose to ignore them.
i'm not going to say anything else, the list speaks for itself. now go be a Light in a dark world.